• Jessica James

What Do I Want? vs. Who Do I Want To Be Of Value To?

I started this year with 3 goals:

1. Have my artwork shown in a gallery

2. Travel overseas

3. Fall in Love

In August 2019, I signed a contract to have my artwork represented by the amazing Spacebar Gallery.

In February 2019, I met my current partner and we live together today (in love...)

In December 2019, I will be flying off to The Netherlands to study Positive Psychology for a month. Then travelling to Germany and Japan and returning home in February.

I did it.

Now what?

The strangest thing about some of our goals, is that they can feel so empty once achieved, if we don't enjoy the process to get us there. At the beginning of this year I thought my goal was to become a full-time artist. As I started to live that reality though, at first it was liberating, but then the joy started to fade away and it began to feel like the same 'work' that I thought I had freed myself from. I began to realise that in order to make money, I needed to make this a business. It didn't feel right and I couldn't get my head it.

Also, deep down, I didn't understand the value it would have to another. I couldn't put my whole heart and soul behind trying to explain to the world an internal process that resulted in the art that was created. It felt like something was missing.

For the last few months of this year I have been doing a lot of soul searching. For some people, this soul searching is a phase in their life and then they seem to have the elixir to their new life and off they go to unlimited success and divine alignment (exaggeration?). Anyone that knows me, will know what a frequent occurrence the death of old Jess and birth of new Jess is. I have done it so many dang times I feel like I've lived a new life every year since I graduated high school.

Who I am? Who do I want to be?

That is a surface level persona and malleable identity I cannot rely on if I want to make some long term plans about my career and interests. I was incredibly frustrated until I realised that I needed to flip the question everyone seemed to be asking me, to ask myself, to find out 'my path' or 'purpose'. But instead I realised I wanted to know

WHO I wanted to serve and HOW.

See something that is unchanging about me is that I am stupidly altruistic and imaginative. I just don't want to live a life with me in the centre, but I'm trying to figure out how I can still keep others at the centre of my focus whilst still being happy.

I'm not talking about neglecting self-care or failing to listen to our own intuition. But I have just found for me personally, whenever I ask myself what do I want, when the answer manifests in my life, I am not nearly as happy as when it includes other people and a shared success.

I didn't grow up wanting to be in the limelight. I think I've discovered that my favourite place to be is the support system for others. But not just anyone. People who are passionate about creating a heart-centred world focused on the needs of our collective consciousness.

I can serve them with my strengths of written and verbal communication, creativity + connection.

There. Simple.

However things manifest in my life, I accept it all as a product of my sub-conscious beliefs. But getting some clarity around this aspect of my life has really helped me to have more confidence about which work I say yes to, and which work I admit I might not be the best person for.

What about you? Can you confidently answer the question of what you want to do, or does changing the perspective to include others give you more clarity?


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©2020 by Jessica James.