• Jessica James

Why We Crave Chaos

“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.”  ― Cheryl StrayedWild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

I am drawn to simple & beautiful things, whilst simultaneously seeking out chaos. Aka. I am human.

There have been helpful slivers of knowledge dipped sporadically into my life, that have undoubtedly shaped the way I think and behaviour now. Never once have I regretted following my own heart when every other voice around me says, you really should stick to that safe path. Somehow I feel like this is actually a challenge that everyone faces in his or her life. Will we, or won’t we, trust ourselves in making the journey only we can make.

Is a life better lived in regret, or in obedience to others suggestions? Can I just have permission to make every mistake in the book and fuck things up in your eyes, not because I’m trying to make my life harder for myself, but honestly because I don’t actually have any other choice but to do it this way? Thank you for having the heart to share with mine, but your fears are not mine and there is always more to the story that so many don’t dare to explore. So let some of us become the risk takers who pioneer new paths.

Can you picture one of those little snow globes in your mind eye? A quant crooked brick house, gently enclosed within a solid glass sphere, topped with a dainty chimney that would endlessly puff smoke on a cold winters day. Having lied dormant on a shelf, long enough for you to sense the stillness of the plastic snowflake flooring. The temptation to disturb such peace emerges from you.

Everyone knows what happens as soon as that snow globe moves even an inch – the snow starts to stir. Take it in your hand and they rise higher, faster, dancing with excitement. But once you’ve gone that far, you have to shake it. You just have to. Shaking it causes chaos. An utter and complete chaos that is in some backward way, oddly satisfying. A wicked god-like control over that tiny nativity.

You created the storm and now the only thing left for you to do is sit back and watch the madness unfold. As random and confusing as the whole dance is, you somehow know that everything will settle again. You trust the snow to follow the physical rules of the universe and eventually fall back into order. Resting in silence once again. There is an odd pleasure in causing chaos, just to see how it can all go to shit, but in perfectly predictable order simultaneously.

Another metaphor for life. Right now, I feel like I’ve picked up the snow globe, grown my biceps double their normal size and shaken that globe with all my strength. Placed it down and conscious watched as the snow fell like was on acid. Knowing that it will stay within the confines of the glass sphere; I will always be okay, but inside that, anything is possible.

So many aspects of my life feel up in the air. Where I will live, what I want to pursue in my life. I am seeking for the confirmation that by being a creator, I am not setting myself up for a life of poor living. I surrender to the core truth of my being that I just want to write and create. I wanted someone to tell me that would be enough. Maybe only I will ever be the voice to say it.

Right now, it feels like the world has doubled in size. I really honed in my experience to include only what I wanted to do. What I felt comfortable with doing. The past few months I’ve been thrown out of my comfort zone and had so many beliefs of mine challenged. It has lead me to seriously consider what I believe in this world to be true, and change beliefs that bring me grief.

Who am I and how do I become that in the external world?

There are so many worlds within this one reality. For every being on this planet, there is a new world. I doubted my strength to stand in my own world, let alone step foot into the world of any other. It truly scared/scares me to admit what it was that I want to do in this life. To honour my strengths, to be confident in my abilities to pursue courses and pathways that fulfilled me. Truly. I have spent the past few months feeling rattled. Unsettled. Really unsure about how to proceed and honestly, quite desperate for some guidance. A really large part of me knows what the pathway is but oh man, I have no idea how to even walk that path.

It involves totally stepping away from that perceived safety of a formal education. And I’ve spoken to others, I know it is possible to be successful without that piece of paper. I know it’s possible to have that connection that I’m looking for without that paper. Everything inside of me is building towards jumping off the ship altogether. Staying with it all causes so much anxiety and panic inside of me, I just don’t want to do it. And no one is coming to tell me that I have to stay.

If I never honour my writing and never make another film, I would die devastated. Dramatic. But, I feel empty without them.

The purpose of my writing is to express and navigate my own world, knowing that the challenges I face, are being faced by so many others too. Fellow earth people who could read these words and say ‘ah ha, me too.’ Or ‘I hear you.’ Somehow placing black lines around the thoughts in my own mind, I can begin to raise my own self-awareness to a level that allows me to bring comfort to others. I know this to be true because I’ve been on the receiving end of others honest words. They have brought me the perspective and opportunity to heal that nothing else has given me. Writing accompanied by a perfectly shot film.

The dialogue of characters, setting sun over mountains, hardship, challenge, and triumph – the endless beauty this world has. It is about understanding, connection, honesty, and storytelling. Feeling, and getting to the crux of what really makes us happy, what really fills us up and makes us the best person we can be. Get to that place and watch the magic unfold. If you are living with a passion for life, anything is possible. ANYTHING. I don’t have to be here, I don’t have to be writing. I can be dead. I could do that. But I don’t want to, I want to be here and living the best life I possibly can.

My chaotic snow globe of a life is starting to settle back again. It doesn’t look the same as before I shook the globe. It has a new setting, a new character and I feel like the snow is no longer pure white, but has speckles of lavender and vanilla. Jessica Snow v2.0.

The scene now depicts a taller man standing next to me with a different house behind us. I have a new haircut and smile, barely containable inside the glass sphere. It looks different than before, but exactly as it needs to. The movement dislodged a thick coating of dust, signifying an obvious neglect of attention and uncovering of a new scene that was ready to be birthed.

Dusted off from the archives of 2018

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©2020 by Jessica James.